Thinking of my mom

Well I had said I wouldn't blog because I was was going through some rough times...I am still going through rough times...mom passed away from ovarian cancer on October 19th 2007. And now my step dad, Ed has been diagnosed with lung cancer and he has just recently started treatment. These are scary times...there are so many people being diagnosed and it makes me wonder what the heck is going on. My sisters fiance Simon has just lost his mom to cancer as well (she passed away on March 13th 2008).
The grief is overwhelming and it consumes me, every minute of every day. I just put up a video of the song they played at my moms funeral (Calling All Angels - Jane Siberry). It comforts me when I listen to it. I miss my mom so much but she is in a better place and I dream about her time and again. I say that she is in a better place...this is what I am trying to convince myself of. Maybe it's too soon to put it into words.
Please be close to your family because in the end they are the ones that will stick by you no matter what. And if you lose a loved one know that there is an Angel that stands beside you.

Short and sweet

I thought I would never say this but I miss blogging, it's been so long since I've blogged. This is going to be short and sweet....my mom has been very ill for some time and I didn't feel the need to write anything down. It's too much of a personal thing...and I get all emotional and stuff. So when I am in a better frame of mind I will blog to my hearts content. Until then "ap nemultoksep

Being Tested

It was vision time...I lay there for what seemed like hours under the sun, it was relentless in it's intensity. Wave over wave of anger washed over me. I walked to my flag and prayed for this anger to go away. As intense as the sun was, so was my anger. I prayed and prayed and prayed.
When vision time was over we were directed to the river (to cool our souls)
I gingerly put my feet into the river....this is when my tears came, I stood there and I could not stop crying. This is when I realized that this power greater than me, protected and loved me unconditionally.
The message for me was clear, but, what was I to do. I humbly accepted the power greater than me.
I will stick to my convictions....no matter how difficult things may become.The Creator is always watching over us....I offer tobacco...thank you.
"Faith"

Sweat

With great trepidation, I sit with these women; they are veterans...veterans of this sweat. They sit and chatter amongst themselves excitedly. This is my very first sweat, and I am very nervous.
They come in rounds......
The first round is a prayer for the children....the little one's ....and the ones that are yet to be born. Grandfathers' are very gentle with these prayers.
The second round is for the youth; it had sense of nervous impatience and a hint of anger. Grandfathers had powerful prayers......So powerful that it robbed me of my breath. It made my heart my heart race as if it were to pop out of my chest.
I came out thinking I couldn't handle anymore, and I went back in....our youth need all the prayer in the world.
Then came the prayer for the elders; the most powerful and with these prayers came humility.
What I admire the most of an individual is their ability to persevere.
I am very grateful for the people that I have met on my journey.

My Coloured Flags

I stand inside my sacred space, my heart soars, and swells with overwhelming pride. The beauty of it all, the stars, and Grandmother Moon bears witness. I offer tobacco...
I offer prayer and tobacco to each of my colored flags.
My yellow flag represents the direction East, but also for the sunrise, new life, new beginnings, birth and enlightenment.
My green and blue flag represents the direction South, but also for warmth, rain, summer, growth of plants, young children and nourishment.
My red flag represents the direction West, but also for the sunset, endings, Ancestors, teachings passed on, the journey beyond the next world, and the color of my people.
My black and white flags represent the direction North, but keep in mind that the black flag is necessary to keep things in balance between the positive and the negative aspects of life.
The white flag represents survival, purity, wisdom, and the white hair of our elders.
My purple flag represents things that are beyond this world, noble Ancestors, the ancient ones...our true visionaries.
I stood at my Eastern door and my yellow flag swayed in the breeze, the purple flag which was just right behind me; gently placed itself on my shoulder. The Ancestors are acknowledging me. A tender reminder of their love for me.
I offer tobacco....thank you.

Sweetgrass

Standing by the river, I look up towards the sky, and my heart is overwhelmed with pride. The smell of sweetgrass is everywhere. It clouds over a bit and the wind picks up...the sweetgrass starts dancing. They are happy that I am here to pick them. I spend more time hugging and smelling them, because they are so sweet. It is our mother's hair this is why we braid them. We also pray with it once it is braided, it keeps us close to her.

Visions

I happened upon a scene once that stays with me to this very day. It was in the dead of winter and I was on my way home for a quick lunch. It happened to be freezing rain that day and the road was thick with it. Being a nervous driver (must have pissed off a few people behind me) I drove slowly. Just ahead of me I saw something and I thought to myself ( no it couldn't be, or could it?) two beautiful wolves sitting by the side of the road.
As Uncle Al would put it (side by each). They were just covered in gorgeous thick white fur. They definitely wanted me to see them. It totally took my breath away, and I thought for a second, I'm going to stop for a bit and observe these amazing creatures, and fear gave way to my whim. So I kept on driving.
They had a message for me. But I carry them in my mind and in my heart still. Longing to see them again.
I try to recapture the beauty of them on paper but to no avail. It is something that I will carry with me always. I suppose that what I saw that day is not meant to be duplicated. This is something that will come to light when it is time.